They can govern, but can they name?

In the wake of Eliot Spitzer's resignation as the governor of New York, I present an overview of American governors and their naming failures and successes. Mostly failures. The voter can only hope their fiscal policy is sounder than their taste in names.

The bad:
Sarah Palin (governor of Alaska): husband Todd; son Track; daughters, Bristol, Piper, and Willow. Oh, you know we're on a whole 'nother level with this one, don't you? We start with Sarah and Todd-- young, idealistic, invested in warm winter coats. Normal. Then: Track. Middle name: Andfield? Marks? Lighting? We may never know. Then, Bristol, a lovely name... for a CITY. Honestly, I can understand, if I make myself, the appeal of place names like Savannah, Dakota, etc. But Bristol?! It doesn't even sound attractive! And what possible nickname could there be? Brissy? Piper and Willow are everyday trendiness and not worthy of comment.

Bob Riley (Alabama): wife Patsy; son Rob; daughters Jenice, Krisalyn, and Minda. Of course, the son gets off as a junior, while the girls get stuck with shit. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize what Jenice was. I thought it was a misspelled Venice, not a Jennifer-Janice smush! Krisalyn, obviously a Kristin Carolyn mash-up. I can only hope Minda is short for Melinda, otherwise I'm not sure what to make of it. Was Melinda just too much commitment for the Rileys?

Mitch Daniels (Indiana): wife Cheri; daughters Meagan, Melissa, Meredith, and Maggie. If I were Joan Crawford, believe me, I wouldn't be railing against wire hangers. "NO MORE MATCHING FAMILIES!" would be my cry of choice. I happen to be related to three families that did the "Oh, we'll just use the same letter for every. single. kid's. name." deal, and it's confusing as hell when they grow up and decide to do the same thing. As for the names themselves, I find only Maggie and Meagan objectionable. Maggie is a nickname, period, and Meagan is a stupid '80s spelling. Rather ironic that these are the two bad names, considering they both originally derived from Margaret. Also: do you think Cheri feels left out? I wonder if she doodles "M'Cheri? Mary-Cheri?" and the like in the corner of her First Lady of Indiana "Gos Colts!" day planner?

Bobby Jindal (Louisiana): wife Supriya; sons Shaan Robert and Slade Ryan; daughter Selia Elizabeth. Yes, another matchy sibling set. Well, I'll note here that Selia was the first born, which is so discouraging because you feel like they were almost started on a good path. Celia, correctly spelled, is so lovely. But then the horrors strike and we're left with Slade, that dull rock of a name, and Shaan, which is not Sean or Shane but some awful thing in between, like Frankenstein's monster.

Haley Barbour (Mississippi): wife Marsha; sons Sterling and Haley Jr. (Reeves). Poor Haley. I wonder, when he was young, if he got teased for his name, or if he had any inkling of how hugely popular Haley would one day be... for girls. You would think it couldn't have been too much of a trial, or he wouldn't have passed it down to his son, but family traditions, even the worst ones, have the lifespan of mutant cockroaches. As I noted, Haley Jr. wisely goes by his middle name, Reeves, which has yet to be stolen by the gentler sex. Sterling, on the other hand, spends his life as a descriptive adjective for silver. On the other hand, Sterling Barbour would make a great name for a metrosexual man-about-town or a used car dealer, which are the two paths most likely for a Southern governor's son Oh, Mississippians, always planning ahead.

Brad Henry (Oklahoma): wife Kimberly; daughters Leah, Laynie, and Baylee. Like the Gentleman from Louisiana, here is another case of deceptive naming. We start with Leah, a pretty, traditional, Biblical choice. Then: Laynie. Laynie! Not Elaine or Lorraine or Alaina, or even Madelaine. Laynie. Of course, I still think she got a better moniker than Baylee, who was apparently never supposed to dress in anything but pink, or, oh yeah, age past five years old.

Mark Sanford (South Carolina): wife Jenny; sons Marshall, Landon, Bolton, Blake. The counterpart to "oh, she's so kyooooooot!" girl names like Baylee is the random surname, as exhibited here. Trust, if Mr. and Mrs. Sanford had ever been blessed with a girl, we'd be dealing with a little Brittanie or Haylee. As it is, we're stuck with namesakes for Thurgood Marshall, Michael Landon, Michael Bolton, and William Blake. Who would have thought anyone would ever be mentioning those four in the same sentence!

Rick Perry (Texas): wife Anita; son Griffin; daughter Sydney. This could really go in the "eh" category, but for the fact that Rick Perry annoys the poo out of me. That said, Sydney on a girl is neither jaw-droppingly horrible nor acceptable in any way.

Tim Kaine (Virginia): wife Anne; sons Woody and Nat; daughter Annella. I have to make a big mean judgement here, which I obviously hate to do (stop snickering). Anyone who names their child Woody in this day and age is cruel. I don't care if it was your name, your father's name, your grandfather's name, and so on. I don't care if you have a room in your house devoted to the bartender on Cheers, the largely forgotten Woodrow Wilson, or an computer animated character voiced by Tom Hanks. I don't even care if your son was born looking like a tree and smelling of cedar (though I would like to see pictures). DO NOT NAME A CHILD WOODY. As for the other two, I can only hope Nat is a nickname for Nathan or Nathaniel, and Annella is a nickname for Anne Helen. Mmm... Anne Helen. I'm feeling better already. Time to move on to...

The "Well, That's Not So Bad... I Guess" Families.

To be continued!